update on the Not Smoking Project

June 7, 2020
Unpleasant interaction with my mother this morning. The Obstacles Problem! Part of me wants to smoke, yeah. But what I want even more than a cigarette is to move out of this house. So, I will use this as fuel.
This may give me the boost I needed to keep my focus more directed than it was yesterday….
Moving this discussion over to the headaches topic!
When I can successfully immerse myself in now
In a song, say
feel the music, throughout my skull, throughout my body
Then that is what I am doing, fully. And then, there is no room for things like cigarette cravings.
That is a state of being which is difficult to maintain, consistently. High energy. I slip, frequently. But the more often I go from Fred, to Brooke- with the conscious intention of doing so- the easier it is to get back there, when I notice that I’ve slipped. Brooke, she is stronger than the pull of cigarettes, of nicotine and of a lifetime of ritual behind it. Fred, is slave to those things.

I found a pack in my car
I was cleaning it out (okay, I was looking to see if I had dropped half a cigarette somewhere, hah!)
Was not expecting to find an almost full pack.
I have vague recollections of maybe losing one at one point, but intentionally not looking that hard for it, knowing when I really wanted a cigarette, I’d look harder.
But I was not taking an actual attempt to quit smoking into account!

July 13, 2020


Time to update this! Since I was just talking about fixing up the self, first, and all that- and this is a loose end, right now.
It is no longer Day Three of the Not Smoking Project – but then, it never really was.
The Not Smoking Project has been under active implementation, for months.
“I am not failing. I am learning.”


I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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