June 7, 2020
Unpleasant interaction with my mother this morning. The Obstacles Problem! Part of me wants to smoke, yeah. But what I want even more than a cigarette is to move out of this house. So, I will use this as fuel.
If I have made it a rule that I will not go work until I can do so confident that I will not buy cigarettes with the money I’ve made, but I cannot save up money to move out until I start working again-
Then I will just have to figure out how to get this done sooner.
This may give me the boost I needed to keep my focus more directed than it was yesterday….
Moving this discussion over to the headaches topic!
When I can successfully immerse myself in now
In a song, say
feel the music, throughout my skull, throughout my body
Then that is what I am doing, fully. And then, there is no room for things like cigarette cravings.
That is a state of being which is difficult to maintain, consistently. High energy. I slip, frequently. But the more often I go from Fred, to Brooke- with the conscious intention of doing so- the easier it is to get back there, when I notice that I’ve slipped. Brooke, she is stronger than the pull of cigarettes, of nicotine and of a lifetime of ritual behind it. Fred, is slave to those things.
I found a pack in my car
I was cleaning it out (okay, I was looking to see if I had dropped half a cigarette somewhere, hah!)
Was not expecting to find an almost full pack.
I have vague recollections of maybe losing one at one point, but intentionally not looking that hard for it, knowing when I really wanted a cigarette, I’d look harder.
But I was not taking an actual attempt to quit smoking into account!
July 13, 2020
Time to update this! Since I was just talking about fixing up the self, first, and all that- and this is a loose end, right now.
It is no longer Day Three of the Not Smoking Project – but then, it never really was.
The Not Smoking Project has been under active implementation, for months.
Perhaps using the designation I did, was a poor choice. I believe that ending such addictions – separating ourselves from our crutches (whether they be chemical or not!), is a process which only becomes visible to those around us- in the final stages.
I’ve listed elsewhere some of the techniques I’ve been using to work towards weaning my brain off of cigarettes- but my goal is to succeed at no longer smoking. My goal is not to be right.
So, I am admitting that I was wrong. I was not ready to quit, yet.
And admitting that, is one of the ways I am endeavoring to make it more likely that it will stick, when I do quit.
To borrow another line from Altered Carbon:
“I am not failing. I am learning.”