trust thyself

Alright.

deep breath

I’m going to try to write an actual topic
It’s been so long I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore

So I’m just gonna do what feels natural and type (technically Swype) out my internal narration for a bit here

I wanna talk a bit about Trust.

I do trust weird these days.

Got burned one too many times by trust misplaced.
I’ve since realized that was because I was putting it in other people.

‘But wait, Brooke! I thought you were gonna talk about trust! Does this mean you’re actually going to talk about not trusting anyone?’

‘No, fren Brooke. One of my favorite new life hacks is that of… Moving trust over. From other people, to myself.’

 

I wrote a thread the other night about a guy I’ve been growing closer to on Twitter, Yatharth. We had chatted first about both of us not just being okay with sharing stuff about our relationship as it grows- but actually being excited about the prospect.

Dating in particular is an area in which many people struggle – myself included, of course!

And he and I both think there could be some utility to sharing those struggles, as they happen. Polished threads and blog posts about stuff people have already learned and internalized are great and will always be useful. But there’s something really powerful about watching growth as it happens.

 

So I wrote a thread, just a short one that was mostly me gushing about a crush. But I mentioned his sexuality in it, and he didn’t respond to my texts right away to check to see if I shared more than he was comfortable with and should delete it.

[DANG IT
it’s raining and my phone screen is no longer functional
Back soon]

I have been working on getting my sleep schedule back to where I feel best about it, and didn’t want to stay up late just to wait for his response.

So I sent him my Twitter password.

This was a problematic decision for two reasons: it was an embarrassing password, but also there was a pretty real risk that even just doing that might have made him feel uncomfortable. Moving too fast, that kind of thing.

 

 

BITCH I’M ON A RAMPAGE

Sorry just really into this music right now

 

I thought about what to do for a few minutes, and decided the risk of scaring him off due to the weirdness was preferable to me than the risk of leaving up a thread all night that he wasn’t comfortable with.

We chatted about it the next morning, and I shared with him some of my thoughts about trust.

Decided to share them here as well, in case they have utility for anyone else!

I sent him my password NOT because I trusted him to not do anything nefarious with my account. I sent it to him because I trusted myself to be okay even if he did.

Don’t get me wrong, the risk of that was pretty low, in my estimation. But I have been wrong about people before, and it shattered me every time.

So I don’t give them the opportunity anymore.

Even having my account nuked was a preferable outcome to me than potentially leaving a thread up that made someone I care about feel uncomfortable, when there might have been something I could have done about it.

I apply this across all of my life- I don’t leave my car unlocked anywhere in LA. That risk is high enough that it’s not worth taking.

But in Redding? Depending on where I’m parked- how lit the area is, how populated, what part of town it’s in, and how long I’ll be gone – I sometimes do.

 

I don’t post stuff either in here or anywhere else online if I haven’t already thought about the worst possible scenario coming to pass and how I’d feel about it.

Stuff getting back to my parents, potential future employers, the people I’ve written about. I don’t leave that shit up to chance. If I wouldn’t be okay with the worst possible outcome, no matter how unlikely I may think it is- I don’t do it. Simple as that.

This kind of trust, it comes from a place of self-awareness. Of knowing my own boundaries and being unafraid to enforce them.

And it’s invigorating as hell. Allows me to interact with people from a place of security.

When we trust others implicitly, we leave ourselves open to getting broken by them.

And who really wants that kind of responsibility for another person’s well-being?

I don’t know about you guys, but I want to be the one who has ultimate control over my happiness. And I want to add to the happiness of others out of a desire to, not an obligation to.

 

Trust yourself, and entire new realms of possibility both for you and those you care about begin to appear on the horizon. <3<3<3

brooke

I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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