the obstacles problem

 

One of the most insidious, and, indeed- most frequent

Classes of things I’ve been calling Obstacles, in my own head

Is that feeling I get, when I run (literally or figuratively) to a friend or family member

Full of excitement about some new thing I’ve done, or new realization about myself I’ve had

And I sprint headlong into something like a doubt-laden “uh huh…”

Or a disinterested
“That’s nice, Brooke.”

 

Frequently accompanied by that oh so perilous

 

Single raised eyebrow

 

That eyebrow that, in itself, communicates something like:

“Annd? So what’s your point? Oh. That was….it?”

 

Or that says

“I’m waiting patiently for you to finish chattering at me so I can go back to what I was doing, thanksverymuch”

 

God damn

those obstacles burn

Or freeze

My energy

Zap it, or sap it

And, in thinking about it last night

I wonder if that isn’t what happens as we grow up- if that isn’t part of what makes adults so…Adult.

All those brilliant, sparkling ideas I had (for like three years, until maybe age 22)

One by one

Set aside

Because those kinds of obstacles, hurt

All those dreams

One by one

Shelved, waiting for a Better Time

I tried all sorts of things to cope with my disappointment with myself

But even that, I couldn’t do right

It didn’t matter how many drugs I took, how many people I slept with- nor how extreme either my recklessness or my apathy became

 

I just couldn’t cope with Life. With the depth of that disappointment. Not when I still had the remnants of those dreams, those ideas

Still sitting there on that shelf, somewhere deep inside

Tarnished, dulled with time and so very dusty

They became things which were corrosive, to my soul

Things which wounded

Just a little bit

Every time they tried to resurface, and were desperately stuffed back down again

So that is one of the primary factors that I think, in retrospect, are part of the whys of the whats that was creating my server, and now working on this blog.

Before it had a name 

Before it evolved into The Project

 

A way for me to no longer stifle and silence the things in me that are not coping

But, instead- a way for me to try to keep alive the things in me on which I thrive

Because here, I could begin to give them voice in a space that, initially- wasn’t empty

It just wasn’t filled yet

I figured, if I tried hard enough to Find the Words

That, someday, someday – I’d also find people who wanted to read them

And so

One by one

I’ve been taking the leashes off of my mind – off of my very soul

Dusting off those ideas, those dreams

Polishing off the dullness of time, neglect, and so many years

And, in so doing

Discovering New Things, now that there is light in my soul with which I can start to see them

brooke

I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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