the asteroid named Embarrassment

I think of everything in terms of resources.
To be lazy is to save energy, yes? Basically? So, another way to frame laziness is to view it as the cheapest action in terms of energy. I have used the shoe tying example to discuss this before; I think we’ve all been there!
Ever try to put a shoe on, without untying it first? Out of laziness?
Only to spend a minute or two struggling, with mounting frustration- and in the end, having to untie the damn thing, anyway?


This, this is not efficient.
Not truly cost effective, in terms of energy
I also think of emotions in terms of energy resources.
The laziness thing, I believe it ties in, here- both to thinking of emotions in terms of energy resources, and-possibly- into Metavore’s recent post, titled ‘Asteroids.’
When I find myself in a mess, literal or figurative- I frequently can trace back the mistakes that I made, that contributed to the development of such dangerous fields of debris.
Largely, for me- this happens when a first mistake I’ve made
Causes me to feel embarrassed, or disappointed in myself
Which, if I’m not being careful and intentional in my thoughts and actions- Generally tends to lead to me, in effect- hiding.
Giving up, even if just for a time. Ignoring the problem, while all the while- it is not just magically fixing itself.
But the anxiety/negativity that I feel over having Things Left Undone- this acts to increase the likelihood that I’m going to commit further errors.
Make more mistakes.
More asteroids, added to my field of debris.
And so, it grows.
Becoming ever more difficult to navigate.
Looking honestly in the face of my own mistakes- this takes a certain amount of strength. Resiliency.
To keep with the resources analogy (metaphor? Whatever!)
I think of it like… I have an emotional reserves savings account. An energy savings account.
The beautiful thing for me, is that the resources know not from whence they come.
So, now – when I make a mistake
When I embarrass myself, in some way
When I let myself down, in some way
I try to find a way to make it right, to fix that mistake
But frequently, I cannot.
Frequently, I make the kinds of mistakes that cannot be undone.
Say the kinds of things that I cannot make people forget they heard, or read
Twitter is, perhaps- one example
I’ve embarrassed myself on Twitter more times than I can count, since joining. Not understanding the lingo, or the games, or the culture
I am a firm believer in not deleting those online posts/tweets- that I am embarrassed of.
Deleting the posts does not erase the past.
Does not help even me- forget my errors and embarrassment.
But when I realize I’ve made a mistake online- I feel like I generally do one of two things:
And sometimes- I make an effort to….even my mistake out, in a way.
Sometimes, I recognize that I would just be embarrassing myself more- and I take an enforced break from the internet for a while.
Sometimes the thing that helps me fill my emotional reserves savings account enough to begin actively cleaning up my own messes-
Is simply to come up with a plan.
More on this, later! (Even just writing about this has led to me feeling more motivated to go Get Stuff Done, that I’ve been putting off!!)


I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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