that’s when my thoughts can be dangerous

 

I just transcribed The Search here, today

From which I took the title of this blog post

 

To me, that line doesn’t necessarily mean dangerous in an obvious, immediate sense

Not dangerous, in that I might intentionally harm myself or others

But dangerous

in that one stressor

left undiagnosed

and untreated

 

left

to grow

it multiplies

and causes me to make the kinds of mistakes

that add to my anxiety

or my negativity

which causes me to make further mistakes

 

And the whole thing

just gets out of control

so very quickly

 

Somewhere along the chain of progression

The chain of causality

That was my day, today

 

Somewhere, something went

wrong

 

I’m not sure where the clearest place to trace it back would be, yet

Maybe I’ll figure it out

as I write

right now

 

Or maybe I won’t

 

But either way

I am determined to fix this, now

Fix what went wrong, in my head

Before I will allow myself to sleep

 

(If I can)

 

There are many points at which

could have recognized the direction my day was going in

in time to mitigate the end costs – in emotional distress, money, and time

 

But, though it’s late in the day

figuratively and literally

If I do not sort this out before I sleep

I run the risk of further compounding things,

tomorrow

 

So, now-

I will write

and I will think

 

The first thing I remember noting, and not fixing at the time

was that my car tire looked dangerously low

this afternoon

I noticed this

but forgot about it almost immediately

 

Sisi, my kitten, has been fighting off some kind of upper respiratory thing

for some time now

I brought her into the vet a while back

and she started getting better

but then started getting worse again

and I should have brought her into the vet yesterday

 

but did not

she was still very active and playful

and seemed better than the day before

But took a sudden turn for the worse, today

 

and I was being too self-absorbed

too focused on working on the blog stuff

to notice just how lethargic she was

until the regular hours of the walk-in clinic had ended today, at noon

 

I didn’t feel well enough to work today, myself- though whether I’m getting sick, or it was a motivation thing, I’m not sure

and, partially out of an effort to show something

to myself, and to my parents

for not working

 

I kept going with the blog stuff after realizing it was too late to take Sisi in

Hoping, I suppose

that she’d start feeling better

 

she did not.

 

I realized this quite suddenly

 

and rushed out – hadn’t even taken a shower yet

 

forgot to put something soft in the bottom of the cat carrier, for her to lay on

forgot to make sure Pico, my older cat, was inside- 

he gets spooked at night, especially on windy nights like this one

and sometimes it takes him hours to calm down enough to come inside, if I do not get him to come in before dark

 

But I grabbed Sisi

hopped in my car

drove to the start of our driveway

and that was when I realized my tire was

indeed

flat.

 

So I had to borrow my dad’s car, which meant that I didn’t have a mask with me – because I forgot mine in my car

 

The emergency vet bill was ridiculously expensive

So I had to borrow money from my parents to pay for it

 

And poor Sisi has a giant bubble on her back now, where they injected fluids subcutaneously

Which I imagine does not feel pleasant

 

I stopped at the grocery store on the way back

Despite looking  (and smelling) like I had not showered today

I was intending to just run in real quick

Grab something for me to eat, get Pico some of the treats he likes, and try to find a couple pungent smelling sea foods I could try to use to entice Sisi to eat

(She is vigorously chowing down on some tuna, as I write – though that may be in an attempt to wash out the taste of the liquid antibiotics I had to administer to her!)

 

And at the store, of course

I ran into someone I knew, that I had more or less blown off previously

He was really nice about it

But it didn’t help me feel any better

 

and then

to top things off

A bird flew out of nowhere

some kind of dove or rock pigeon, I think

and landed in a flurry of wings and feathers and clawed feet

right in front of my car, as I drove home

 

I had no time to swerve

so I tried to hold the wheel, steady

hoping I’d been accurate in my quick calculation of where the bird would end up, relative to my tires

 

I felt nothing

no bumps

or thumps

 

but turned around

 

Drove back through that stretch, slowly

And again

Listening for rustling sounds in the dark country foliage

 

Thought I heard something

pulled over

 

And wandered around for a bit, using my phone as a terribly inadequate flashlight

it was a young (and, I have to admit, adorable) skunk making noises in the brush

I saw no bird

 

It was too dark to tell for sure

But I believe it must have flown away

 

It was just…one thing after another, this evening

and so many of them

were direct results of one of the Prior Things

 

If I’d taken Sisi in yesterday

or this morning

much less money

and more time to deal with the flat tire, when I wasn’t rushing her off to the vet

 

Or, I could have dealt with the tire

earlier today

when I noticed it

I just didn’t notice it enough, I guess

 

And if I’d showered today, when I got up

instead of hiding in the guest house all day

I might have been more capable of recognizing and then taking care of those things, sooner

But I also would not have felt self-conscious going into the store

enough to get nervous, running into someone I knew

And, maybe

then, I would have been watching for things like that bird

more carefully

And I might have been able to stop before reaching it

 

Everything is okay.

I mean, I’m pretty sure the bird didn’t get hit

And now, Sisi is not happy – not feeling well – but she scarfed down some food, and got some meds and some fluids

and is now curled up with Pico (who, fortunately, came inside right away when I got back) and I, sleeping

 

The main damage here is the financial one

and the looming issue of my tire, which I’ll have to deal with tomorrow

 

But this

is how my thoughts can be dangerous

even when they don’t seem to be

 

When I get too off balance

To see what is happening

in my own head

 

When I don’t take the time to really stop

and get back to feeling right, again

then, I act out of haste

I act blindly

Forgetting things

Not thinking things through

 

So, when I got home tonight

I made sure the kitties were okay

and then I took a long bath

ate

and now I’m listening to The Cave, by Mumford & Sons

on repeat

As I work towards clearing my head

and lightening my heart

 

To give myself a fresh start

a chance to get things operating, in my head and in my life – as I would like them to be

 

This is the kind of thing

That I feel like led to me doing things like drugs

When I could not recognize these kinds of progressions

as close to the start of them, as I can now

 

Enough of the kinds of frustrations 

missteps

blunders

and close calls

that I had today

 

and maybe some become worse than close calls

 

and enough days

of those kinds of stressors

 

unrelieved

 

well, they just keep building

 

they will not fix themselves

 

Oh, sometimes they go away

for a time

 

get better, or I get better at ignoring them

 

But until I really take the time to breathe

 

to reset myself

 

and then, once feeling more even-keeled

then to take the time to process what went wrong, and why

In a way that I can learn from

To hopefully prevent repeats of the same

 

Well, if I don’t do all that

they come back

eventually

stronger

more powerful than before

with consequences more dire

 

Until even the threat 

of facing what I’ve done

me

to fuck my own life up

 

causes something inside me to want to run

and hide the eyes of my soul

behind some comforting arm

 

But, like I wrote in the systems post

The kinds of costs

of behaviors like that

just add to the difficulty of actually fixing my problems, later

Because those kind of blinders, the kinds that come from addictions of all sorts

they aren’t sustainable, in the long run

 

The only thing

That I have found to be actually sustainable

within my own life

in a meaningful way

 

Is to get better at identifying and treating these problems

as they arise

Before the mistakes and carelessness

become problems in the first place

 

I’m not very good at this

yet

But I am getting better

 

I feel that, in my bones

 

that I am learning

 

Slowly

 

Painfully, at times

 

But each time I can see how I could have prevented these kinds of problems from happening

In a way that does not cause more negativity

in the form of blaming myself

or feeling guilty

or ashamed

 

Each time, I emerge

stronger

 

And every time, from here on out

that I remember what happened today

and then change my behavior, in that moment

In a way that potentially reduces the likelihood of a repeat of today

 

Each time that happens,

I will feel just a little bit stronger

just a little bit, better

about myself, and about life

and those things

they also add up

Just like the weight of negativity

this kind of positivity

it takes away those dragging anchors of my mistakes

one by one

soothes the pain of them

quietens the storms of my soul

until I no longer feel bowed under all that weight

at all

 

until, with each quickening step

I feel more lift under my feet

under my arms

and

on one errant skip

my feet leave the ground beneath me

and

I take flight

brooke

I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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