seeking perspective, or; TBF loops

Here is an experiment

I’ve had pretty low energy today

I have been writing here, generally- after I at least have an idea of how to start getting my brain going again

 

But this time

I have no idea how I’m going to do that

 

I just decided to start walking

and start writing

 

First, though

I need to find the right song

to kick things off

 

“Why are you even trying to kick anything off, at this time of night?!

It’s already past your bedtime, Brooke.”

I say, to myself, right now

 

“Well. Brooke. I couldn’t sleep.”

I say, to myself, in response

 

“And lying in bed, for any reason other than there being some utility in doing so…”

“Is anathema to me, right now.”

“So you think walking is going to help?!”

“I don’t know! Stop being a jerkface, jerkface!”

 

All I know, right now

is that trying to sleep was not working

 

So it didn’t make sense to me, to force it

To try to sleep even harder

 

I don’t recall having trouble falling asleep, recently

ehh

by recently, I mean, like, the past few days, honestly

 

But now

It is time to think

About what makes today different

Find the why behind this what

 

Ah!!

I’ve got it!

I’ve been stuck

in a tbf loop!

 

But I really wanted, just now, to sing some of this out

While I walked

but it is Night

and people are sleeping

 

So, instead

I’m going to drive, for just a bit

So I can sing

and lose myself in the music, for a bit

and in so doing

maybe I’ll find myself

 

And then I’ll pick this back up

 

Not being able to sleep, tonight

Is the kind of thing I had in mind, when I began writing about control

 

It’s like the gates, in the whys of the whats

 

If I fall asleep sometimes

but not always

 

when I do not

there is information to be read

 

If I am clever enough

and look carefully enough

 

I have begun making what was merely an experiment, two months ago

into more of a rough guideline

Meaning it’s not a rule, not a Law, for me – but has shown enough promise in early experimental results

that it is no longer a complete shot in the dark

Just, you know

mostly one

 

I first put words to this action-into-thought-into-action experiment

while writing in the happiness and climbing trees channels

 

Just after filming that Lost Causes YouTube video, or just before

Somewhere around then

 

I had been feeling some strangely intense urges, seemingly out of nowhere

To find trees to climb

and then, to sit in them

 

Jumping in the lake near my house achieved similar results

And so, right now

I am sitting in my car

parked in a turnout

on the side of a small mountain

with the moon

and the lights of Redding, glowing before me

 

And I think

sometimes

that it is easier for me to find….perspective

in my mind

when I actually take myself somewhere that visibly reminds me of it

in a stark way

a way that is hard

even for my tricksy brain

to ignore

 

What follows

is a prime example of Wide Eyed Stupidity

once again

 

I keep feeling hungry, lately

I’ve spent an absurd amount of time this week (minor, in the scheme of things, but absurd given the context)

observing this fact, particularly at night

noting it

and doing jack shit about it

 

I have had several conversations – several

with myself, usually at night, that go something like:

“Oh! I feel…hungry!”

“But I’m too tired to get up and get food, and nothing sounds good, anyway.”

“Brooke! This is your stomach speaking, and I’m telling you that you will feel less tired in general, if you eat more, god damn it!”

“What was that, stomach? You’re hungry? I heard you the first time, and I told you, I’m too tired for this shit!”

stomach gurgles grumpily

Brooke glowers at her ceiling, also grumpily

Language barriers – or something – are a bitch!

 

So, anyway

Since I knew, at some times

that I was feeling hungry a lot

And at other times, I knew I’d been tired a lot

 

It should not have taken me being unable to sleep, to learn this lesson

 

The way that my body/brain system

interacts, in feedback effects

makes it really, really difficult to isolate variables

 

Because of my TBF

I always attribute things like being tired

to various Solid and External sort of factors

that mean it just needs to be accepted

 

I am just tired

I kept telling myself, all week

 

Except, that is

when I was thinking about how hungry I was

and how that might be why I was tired

but probably wasn’t

and then,

just forgetting I’d had those thoughts

Like, completely

 

Until the evidence that was piling up before me became too massive to ignore

in this case – that evidence consisted of repeated instances of those sorts of thoughts

repeated dismissals of same

and yet

there was still

somehow

a feeling of shock

when I realized my lethargy didn’t just…

go away, on its own!

 

Humans are silly.

At least this one is.

 

Oh! I forgot to say why I referred to it as a loop.

Why I brought up the feedback bit.

 

I feel tired, which makes it harder to be productive, which makes me feel more ‘bleh’

and lazier

and less likely to do even really simple stuff

like buying groceries I actually want to eat

 

And it builds

And feeds on itself

Obscuring the source of the problem itself

 

Which was that I hadn’t properly addressed the ‘whys’ of being tired in the first place!

Which acts in ways that tend to cause me, personally

to be less capable of doing so, quickly and efficiently

 

Maybe, it will turn out that I am wrong in the ‘I haven’t been eating enough’ premise

I suspect that I am not

 

 But if I am deliberate about testing that theory

Then, if I remain generally tired

I will have that much more information to go on

when I reassess, later on

 

This ties into what I wrote in the perfection channel, pretty directly

in my mind

 

I am only not being perfect, in my own, specific, definition of that werd

When I am not trying anything

When I am waiting

In whatever form that takes

Waiting for the lethargy to go away

on its own

Waiting for things to fix themselves

on their own

 

Instead of making an attempt to fix them

By feeling

By observing those feelings

and by coming up with plans

based on those observations

 

By resting, or eating – when those are the things I ought to be doing

in that moment

 

Or by driving

and singing

and seeking

perspective

 

(Whew! Good thing I brought some snacks!)

 

brooke

I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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