Metavore once commented on how it seemed like it could be difficult to not stare at YouTube statistics obsessively….I did that, some (though now that I have been focusing primarily on this server and haven’t uploaded any videos in a while, I haven’t even been checking on statistics).
But the reason that I keep going, keep making videos that hardly anyone watches and write stuff in this server despite there probably only being a couple of you that read these, when you have the time/energy to….
I have something to say.
And not being able to communicate it in a way that resonates very well – well, that I see now as an area for growth on my end – not an indication that I don’t have something to say that other people might find valuable.
I still think there’s a chance I’ve never met anyone as happy as I am, in a fundamental way and taken as a net value.
That doesn’t mean other truly, consistently happy people don’t exist, or even that I haven’t met any. Maybe I just didn’t realize it, or something.
I don’t know about all that, really.
What I do know is that I would have killed myself before moving back in with my parents, before the moment I inadvertently flipped that mental switch.
I never knew it was possible to feel this amazing, without drugs. Without having to just stop thinking, stop feeling.
In fact, feeling things and thinking about things –
are both required for maintenance of this state of being
I never even imagined this kind of thing was even possible.
And now that I’ve found it, and have begun learning how to foster it, and just keep uncovering further evidence to support the possibility of this being something I will, eventually, be able to communicate in a way that resonates with someone outside of my own head…. of this being something transmittable and in the benefit of myself and everyone I come into contact with, if and only if I am relentless in identifying and pursuing the things that work and discarding the things that don’t –
Even the mere possibility that maybe I can communicate it makes it worth the effort of trying.
I wish so much that I could just mind meld with y’all and poof it into your heads. But that would be a short cut, and I believe true short cuts are never in my best interest.
Doing things as intelligently, as efficiently as possible- yes.
But cutting corners?
In this case, I grow each time I learn a little bit more about other people. Each time I try to formulate a thought in a way that may resonate better on a broader level- I learn more about my own thoughts and feelings themselves.
I am patient, now. As patient as I have to be, while simultaneously being incredibly impatient.
I will be as relentless as I have to be, while simultaneously striving to give space when space is required.
I will never give up, meaning that I will give up whenever I have to.
I will do whatever I have to, by doing whatever I want to. Because they’re becoming, more and more frequently- the same thing.
[Original posting date: June 3, 2020]
Repetition and reinforcement
But of positivity
That’s part of what this server is about, now
What I am trying to make my life about, now
That’s how I make my own good days
How I’m getting better at doing so, more often
That is how I am consciously harnessing the powers of neuroplasticity
To build a better world
By first, building a better Brooke
[Original posting date: June 9, 2020]
I do not reinforce positivity in my life
By manufacturing some, where there is none
My brain is far too clever for that to work
Far too tricksy
What I do, what I try to do
Is more of a challenge
It requires dedication
What I do
Until I find the positive that is there, already
And that is hard to do
When the system that is Brooke
Is not functioning at peak efficiency
When, somewhere within the workings
Or of soul
There is a
Those glitches cause a cascade of problems
And infect other parts of the system
Until the whole thing is just a crazy, complicated mess of tangles
They have to undone
At the source
If I do not want to cause the kind of damage
That is caused by cutting through the threads
The system that is Brooke
Knows a lie when it sees one
Even when the individual component of this system that is the mind of Brooke
My tricksy brain can lie to me all it wants
Tell me there is ocean where there is actually a ship
It goes either way, for me
If I try to trick my brain
If I try to convince my brain of something; for example, of the positive in something, if I do not truly believe it’s there
It will not work
My brain will not accept it
And, when my brain is filling in ocean
Even if what I see is ocean, in this metaphor
There will be conflict within me
Because, some part of me recognizes the lie my own senses seem to be feeding me
I’ll try to think of a practical example
And add it in later
And the moral of the story is…