I’ve had a rough plan in my mind for the blog for a while now.
Phase One: transcribing older stuff from the discord server/getting more of the disparate stuff in my head down on (digital) paper.
Phase Two: distillation/explanation/summarization
Phase Three: we’ll go into that, later! Maybe it’ll change by the time I actually get there.
For anyone who may have missed the timeline descriptions I’ve given on Twitter:
I got back to real life again this past January, from being homeless etc.
I immediately embarked upon what I’ve been calling a project of ‘building a better Brooke’- trying to find ways to heal my disrupted sleep patterns, learning how to do things like woodworking/skateboarding, and actively experimenting with ways to be happier/healthier, and how I might be able to improve the quality of life of those around me, at the same time.
This was so much fun, and so surprisingly successful, that I began immediately trying to explain all the neat stuff I’d been trying out to my friends, whom I was slowly reconnecting with after years of having fallen out of touch.
I had trouble finding the words, and, frankly- my high energy was an alien thing to most of them.
One of my friends suggested I create a discord server- intended as a hang out place where I could channel some of my endless energy. I had never seen another server at the time I made mine, so it looks pretty different from most servers I’ve seen. It became my personal journaling, made public, and began evolving into something like my brain, converted to digital.
I created it in March, then in April began making YouTube videos and largely abandoned the server for a few weeks.
After around a month, I hit a wall with those and returned to focusing my energy on the discord server. I was prolific during this time- but I would jump between channels even over the course of a single thought, and it was overwhelming and difficult to navigate.
I realized after a while that no one had actually been reading most of it- but that was okay! Thinking that people had been gave me a boost in confidence and also enough motivation to actively try to improve my writing- and when a friend suggested I create a blog, I began making preparations that very day.
I made the blog in mid-June, I believe- and I have a huge amount of stuff in the server that has yet to even be looked at for possible transcription to the blog.
My writing style has evolved drastically enough since I began writing, though, that I’m feeling less and less interested in porting over the old stuff.
I realized yesterday, though- that part of why I’ve been feeling conflicted about the time I’ve been spending on Twitter is that it felt like I was trying to find uses for spare time.
I only have spare time when I haven’t done the work necessary to figure out the best next step in my overall goals, though! So, yesterday I realized it was perhaps time for another shift in focus in my writing.
I am going to endeavor to at least ease my way into the process of identifying some of the broader concepts in my head that are mostly just vague references throughout the rest of my writing- and try to write actual posts on those particular topics.
First up, heavy in my thoughts after yesterday’s conversation about using Twitter as a tool/social engagement etc:
THE EYES PROBLEM
The eyes problem is not a problem in my mind.
Nuance, in all things. Nothing here is what it seems- except that which is
The Eyes Problem is what I’ve been using, in my brain and occasionally in my writing, to describe the effect on our minds of Observers- and, more crucially; how to harness knowledge of this effect as a tool for growth.
When I thought people were reading the stuff in my server- I wrote more.
It gave me a reason to keep pushing myself.
But I had to constantly struggle against the impulse to write for those eyes; to shape my words in a way other than I would have otherwise, specifically to speak to these invisible watchers.
I’ve noticed that impulse time and time again since the inception of The Project- watching my YouTube stats and then changing the tone or other aspects of my videos based on the information I thought I was seeing there.
This is why my YouTube videos have such a wide range of location/tone/etc- every day, I’d take information from the last video and try to use it to inform the next.
It never worked, not really.
The only thing that I have found to ‘work’ in the way I would like it to- has been to find ways to build the confidence to say what I am passionate about saying.
This is where the Eyes Problem becomes a solution, at the same time.
Once I realized the boost in confidence that I had received merely from thinking people were reading the content of my server was a lasting one, that did not disappear merely because I learned that wasn’t true- well, that means that the effect is a mental one.
And that means it’s something I can direct myself- something I can harness.
I am currently trying to do this more by making those Eyes- mine own.
When I imagine particular people are reading what I write- my continued motivation relies upon their continued reading.
But when I take away the personal aspect of it- trick my brain, in a way, into using my own mind as my own watcher- suddenly the stats become interesting information, but no longer the kind of information that has the power to affect my output.
The answer to the Eyes Problem, then, in my mind- is to simply become my own watcher.
Just because a thing is simple, though- does not mean it is easy!
This takes quite a bit of practice, and I’m nowhere near good at it, yet!
But having a clearer idea of the forces at play in my own brain begins opening up options for how to use them as tools, as opposed to letting myself be used by them.