on making decisions

This is kind of an experiment.

A testing of one of my theories. Hypotheses? Whatevs.

I’ve begun suspecting that it wasn’t the heat over the summer, sapping my energy.

That perhaps I’ve had some lingering infection that’s been the real reason behind all the fatigue, the naps, and the reduced output. Part of what makes me think this is that I stopped getting tired during the day when I was taking penicillin.

I’m still not sure, really. And what I want to test is only indirectly related to the above.

What I want to test is my belief that we are far more capable of overcoming and working around that kind of thing than we tend to give ourselves credit for.

After I had that thought, I basically gave myself a pass on working on The Project. At least in a direct, active manner.

Woke up feeling groggy today, took a few minutes of struggling against the impulse to go back to sleep.

Then, I couldn’t think of anything off the top of my head to write about.

When I am high energy, it’s not much work to come up with topics to write about. I just think of one of the last tweets I read, or conversations I had- and frequently it’ll remind me of a related topic and I’ll feel motivated to go more in-depth.

But I have started to believe that it’s possible to work up that kind of energy- that kind of mental energy- from any baseline.

That the farther from it I am at the start, the more challenging it is.

So I put on some music that helps make me feel….determined, and I started walking.

Started writing.

Just changed the playlist now, upped the volume.

And you know what?

Whether or not I have an infection may be somewhat irrelevant, here.

I may have been holding myself back simply through the belief that I have one.

The belief that my reduced energy was something out of my control.

I believe that the our brains have a tendency to take the easy way out, almost always.

And that they disguise the easy way as the only way, almost always.

How often do we identify a problem in our lives, in our own behavior- and think: “there’s nothing I can do about it, so I might as well just accept it.”

I do believe that there are many things beyond our immediate control, things that are not worth the stress of taking on, whole-cloth.

At the same time, I believe we tend get into the habit of thinking that way about the wrong things.

“I’m just an asshole”
“I’m just lazy”

These are not conditions.

These are not illnesses.

These are the result of our choices.

And as long as we keep saying stuff like that, it becomes truth. Becomes a thing which we cannot change.

There are no miracle fixes in this life. What we gain, we have to earn.

However, the rapidity with which it is possible to begin making the kinds of changes that steer us on paths towards being healthier, happier people- the kind of people we feel pride in being – continues to astonish me.

Yeah, politics are a big deal. And they are worth thinking about. But how directly can you, as an individual, begin making a tangible difference in the political landscape in which you live?

I do believe it’s possible to begin making real changes, even in issues as vast as the political realm.

I believe we’ve got to start from the beginning, though.

Start with us. Me with me, you with you.

What are your habits? Are you happy with them? What’s holding you back most in life? What are you doing to begin changing things?

For me, at least- the most crucial step is simply that of making the decision to start thinking of ways we might be able to begin improving ourselves, our lives.

Making the decision to no longer just accept being ‘the way we are.’

I could only start truly becoming a person I feel like is consistent with who I truly am, with who I truly want to be –

after I let go of the refusal to let myself be changed.

We forget that we are in control of that change, and can direct it as we choose.

We choose what to read, the people we talk to. All that stuff affects who we are- but we choose them.

Frequently, we choose by not choosing.

And if we don’t choose what sorts of things we expose our minds to, that’s when we lose control.

When we begin floundering amidst competing information, competing instructions.

We must first decide who we want to be, right now.

In this moment.

Then, we can begin making decisions about how to actually get ourselves there.


I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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