necessity, consistency, and the start of the Car Audio Problem

I have thought about how I should start a channel on the topic of consistency

And then gotten overwhelmed at the magnitude

And decided against it

so many times

For, like, weeks

But it’ll remain a beast of such great size

For as long as I continue to not start the channel

 

So, it is started.

 

I started thinking about consistency, as a broader sort of concept

Like so many other things –

While I was on the street

But now I’ve forgotten why! A moment.

 

thinks

OH!

That’s it!

Dumpster diving

I wrote a little bit how I moved past my sudden (seeming) reservations over #dumpster-diving in that channel.

And that was what made me think about consistency a little differently

 

That thought process, of figuring out under what circumstances I was okay with dumpstering under (in that I felt good about instead of conflicted over, or embarrassed by), led to a number of interesting new paths in how I think about myself and the world at large

 

To begin with,

I realized I was the most embarrassed about dumpster diving (after I firmly stopped even endeavoring to be a criminal, that is; just knowing I had the potential to do something criminal, made me feel nervous and guilty, even when I was not attempting to do so) –

When I was doing it because I was hungry

Or otherwise out of necessity

But when I was doing it because I wanted to, because it was fun

I would take food that looked good

But didn’t feel bad about it

 

If that makes sense

 

And I realized that, perhaps, that whole concept of necessity was where the issue here lay

Because that one meal

Missed

 

Was not going to cause me to die, right then

And, honestly

There are so many services for the homeless in LA

They are everywhere

Everything from church groups handing out Starbucks meals

To churches giving away Whole Foods stuff of all kinds

Shelters, offering three meals a day, a place to shower, and a bed- and all you have to do is get there early enough in the morning

Everywhere in LA. Most heavily concentrated within Skid Row, which is a terrifying place even for homeless people- but walk into any church, almost any public building, any one of a huge number of outreach places, or even most thrift stores (many have vouchers they will give anyone who says they are experiencing homelessness, for that person to get free clothes and shoes of their own choosing), call any number of hotlines, even flag down any police officer, and if that place or person cannot help you with what you need, they will know where else to direct you

 

The problem is not a lack of services. It’s really not.

It’s something else

When I didn’t have decent, clean clothes on the street, or didn’t have food

It was not because I couldn’t physically obtain them

It was because I didn’t have my head on straight enough to seek help

Or even accept help that was being offered

 

The magnitude of that problem was too great for me, then

So, before I move on to the next example:

Necessity is not what it seems to be. Not always, anyway, I feel like.

 

I justified things like theft

Out of necessity

Because eating is necessary

And I wasn’t allowing myself to see other ways of obtaining food

 

If I was literally about to die because I hadn’t eaten,

then I would have been in a hospital; not in a dumpster, or stealing food from a grocery store

 

I had a friend, once

Who was very insistent that they had never once stolen anything

But one time

This person took money from the office of their boss

Without asking
When their boss was not there

Hundreds of dollars

Which was the amount their boss owed them in back pay

 

That was necessity, in my friend’s mind

I’m not saying it wasn’t… I’m saying, maybe, that the very concept of necessity

 

Is inherently problematic

Because of the kind of thing I talked about in introduction to werds

What is necessary

Can be different between different minds, it seems

Even, like in the case of me and food

Different within one mind, at different points in time

 

And that’s what started me really thinking about consistency

Broadly

If I’m okay with doing a thing

Sometimes, but not other times

I try to think about why

What the difference may be, there

And also how what I do

And what I think of as necessity, might translate into other brains, and if someone else might not see it that way.

I think the cool thing here

Is that if my own definition of necessity can change

To the point where what I consider to be necessity can change over time as well

 

“Well, how can that happen, Brooke?”

“Because our brains are crafty, Brooke! Tricksy, even!”

And they can maintain the kinds of duality that are things like necessity being both completely made up, and totally real, solid things

Simultaneously!

Like, that’s no real problem for the human brain

Easy peasy

 

But!
It gets trickier

When I think about consistency

Because that’s when the cracks begin to show, for me

 

Cracks radiating from inconsistency

Inconsistency between thought, belief, words, and action

I think, somewhere within this system that is Brooke

Inconsistency is known

It is recognized

Even when that recognition is not at a conscious level

And, I feel like- our minds do not do well with inconsistencies

They just…don’t like them.

Inconsistency niggles at our subconscious

niggle, at our feelings

In ways that ripple throughout the system as a whole, sometimes obscuring the original source

But!
That’s good news

Because it means that I am only trapped

when I am not making the choice to not be

Yeah, I think our brains fabricate things like necessity

But that makes them no less real

And no less powerful

So what I’ve done

Is I’ve tried to be aware of my brain’s tendency to such labeling

And, instead of just declaring it to be irrational

And that it was not to do that thing anymore

(I did actually try that way, for a long time. Always made things far worse, at least for me!)

Instead, now-

Now, I try to use that knowledge

Now, I think more in terms of non-rational, than irrational

If I have the tendency to view things as necessary that other humans might not, and therefore that might obscure the purpose behind my actions, in a negative way

But if I also have the ability

To sort of manually go in and alter what it is that I think is necessary, in the first place

By thinking about things

Then

I’m going to try to be as consistent as possible

Across circumstances

Regardless of who I’m around, or if I’m alone

Regardless of where I am

And I’m going to define necessity, define what is necessary

In a way that allows me consistency in action

 

No breaking the laws of Brookelandia

(But if mistakes happen- which they shouldn’t, because laws, unlike rules, are just just Good Ideas for me. They are categorized where they are because I have decided that there are no circumstances in which it is my best interest to do those things. No exceptions. But, since I’m human- mistakes happen. So I try to not punish myself, because that only makes me feel worse, and less likely to abide by my own Code of Laws. That’s where Restitution comes in!)

 

 

And I’ve found, that for me, at least

Whole realms of previously undreamt of possibilities begin to open up before me

When I redefine necessity

Not let it go entirely- but change it, to something that translates roughly to whatever comes out when I do #minmax-life equations

That take into account, as best I can- all potentially involved parties

That is what I think is necessary, now

So then the ‘only solution’

In any given moment

Expands

And so many start becoming visible, even to my tricksy brain

And, usually

If I’ve done my numbers well enough

If my guesses are accurate enough

And I’m being creative enough about the resources I have at hand, in my environment and in the world at large

Frequently, a solution will come to the fore

That just…

feels

right

 


Metavore:

Kant approves of this channel.

Brooke:

Uh oh. I honestly don’t remember anything about Kant. Do you approve of Kant? Or, maybe more relevant- do you approve of this channel? No! Wait. Don’t tell me. Or do? Aggggghhhhhh! Is what I have to say, at the time being!

 


Ah! Context!

So. Just for context, in case anyone else reads this

I had already had a conversation with Metavore

 

That was ongoing, actually, when I wrote the above little example of self- doubt and general frustration/ confusion

I’d gone out to work, totally amped and ready to get shit done

When my speakers cut out

Again.

Since they had done this one other time, and shortly after began working again, I suspect that it is a connection problem with one of the cables

However, I did not have enough foresight, did not take the time to really think about how I would respond, if they cut out again when I was ‘in the zone,’ as they say. As someone says, anyway. As I’m saying, right now.

What happened

Is that I ran headlong into a brick wall

Energetically speaking

This, I was not prepared for. And so, I did not have the presence of mind to fully explain to my mother the reasons I had for choosing to go back home and try to fix the problem, instead of trying to work under Not Ideal conditions

(She recommended I use the bluetooth speaker, but I tried that last time, and it was Insufficient)
She got a little frustrated

I think
Perhaps because, since I did not communicate as effectively as I could have, she may have assumed that I did not want to work, when that is not the case.

I will tell her this, later.

But right now, I really wanted to go lie down

But I knew that would not help, because this lack of energy is not a body problem, but one of mind. Of #tbf!

 

And I also know

That, when I do talk to her, that conversation will go much better if I have something to show for Not Working tonight.

So I’m mid-way through removing the radio/dash stuff of my car! Which I’ve never done before, in any car- but I have looked up YouTube how-to’s before.

 

And now, even if I have incorrectly guessed at the source of the problem

I know I can do this thing

So when I go to replace the speaker system, I will be able to buy one, and put it in myself, instead of paying someone else to do it! Which will be super awesome, because the annoyance of fiddling with the settings to try to get better sound from my dinky little cassette adapter, and that of not being able to reliably take phone calls while driving- are small, but super consistent stressors. And being able to address them with less of a moneys investment means I will be able to do so, sooner!

So, I already feel much better. And feeling Not Better was really at the root of that first response to what Metavore wrote!

This is what I have to sing about today:

 

https://photos.app.goo.gl/rb2D3Zie2aukWAGq8

brooke

I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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