I have something to say.

So, you’ve read a couple of my posts.

Watched a couple of my YouTube videos, maybe?


Maybe even lurked around my discord server some.


You think you know me.

You think you know what I am saying.


I have something to say.


I’m working on transcribing some of it to the blog, and I’ve been writing new things on the blog


but nothing I say

nothing I write

nothing I’ve filmed

nothing I do


is meant to stand alone.


Everything that I put out

are all different attempts to explain the same thing

to say the same- communicate – the same thing


just…trying different angles.



Being happy.

Being nice –


Does not mean

being easy.


So, please- don’t go and just read – watch –

the things

that you think you’re going to like.


The things- that are easy.


The things about love

and courage

and empathy


Those are nice to hear

and I meant every word


But they are not the whole picture.


Read The Search

you know, some of my other posts, that I haven’t transcribed yet


But some of what I have to say


Is not going to be easy to hear.


The path that I am trying to find

that I am choosing to walk, even as I look for it


Is not an easy one.

It means taking a hard look at myself

Accepting some hard truths, about myself


And if you really want to know me

If you really want to know

what I am saying


It might mean accepting some hard truths about yourself, as well.


I mean, maybe I’m wrong-

but you won’t know

until you read it


We’re human


all of us


and that one statement

encompasses so much


All of the heartbreak

and the joy


and weight of our mistakes

all of them


reflecting throughout our pasts


and that is a heavy, heavy burden


and not one easy to bear



But I believe that there is a way

to look those kinds of things in the face


and grow from them


Without letting them turn into the kind of guilt-turned-inward

that causes more problems, than it solves

creates more work for us, down the line


in the form of having to undo

harmful and destructive thought patterns


And so, yeah

I want to be a rock.


But I want to be the kind of rock

that helps you build your own foundation.

That helps you become your own rock.


I’m not going to be your rock forever!

I don’t want to be, and you don’t want me to be!


But, just-


Happiness with no foundation, is no real happiness. 

It’s not sustainable.


There is a system

to what I do

a system to what I’m writing

a system behind what I’m writing


There is one thing that I’m trying to say

and until that one thing becomes clear

I haven’t said enough

or you haven’t read enough

Probably both.


This journey

is a difficult one

it’s challenging, full of obstacles

and you will feel like you are making no progress…


Until you realize you are.

Until you start seeing the evidence, in your own life.

And I believe that what I have to say

will produce results in your life


Because it’s not about what I do that makes me happy

It’s about the methods that I use to find what really makes me happy


I’m 33 years old, living at my parents house, almost broke-

and I’ve never been this happy in my life.


And it’s not because I’m tricking myself; I know a lot of you think that.

My brain-

is too clever for that. 

I can’t just pretend everything is fine


I can’t keep running away


I ran away my whole life

and I’m not doing that, anymore.


I am looking in the face of my fears

and of my mistakes

and I’m not letting them define me, anymore.


And I believe

that the things that I am doing

to be able to do that

are applicable to other people.


And so

this is out of love

this is out of empathy

and positivity


It’s just that in order to get the kind of reward

to get the kind of meaning, out of life

that I am starting to be able to find, more and more easily


It takes a little work

it takes a little patience.


And I can’t just give it to you.

You have to seek it.

You have to do it, yourself

In your own life

In your own way


Because the things that I do to make me happy

are not going to make you happy


Not everything I write, is going to speak to you.


I realize that.


But I’m working on trying to distill 

the fundamentals


distill the process behind things 

in a way that other people can use

even who are very different from me


I’m trying to give-

Trying to be consistent

in how I treat everyone, including myself

and trying to give everyone

including myself

not just what we want

but what we



And it is out

of love


Because I cannot express to you

cannot express


I mean, I never thought it was possible

to feel the way I feel

in life, now


To have the kind of strength that I have now

The kind of ability

to be the master of my own emotional swings


You know – that doesn’t mean I don’t get upset

It means that I have a system

I am aware now

of what makes me upset, geenerally


and what I can do to turn those feelings

into something else


to channel them

in ways

that are going to be different for each person


But in ways

that make me stronger


That allow me to grow

instead of collapse under the weight

of all that doubt

of all that anger




I can make it go away, now

for real


It’s a constant process

of searching

and then finding

and then searching, again


But each time I do that

I get a little bit better at it.


And the results in my life

have been tangible

the results in my relationships

in every moment

are tanglible.


They are visible

to the people around me.


I have something to say.

And it is something real

and powerful.


and it’s not all just about


and fluff

and love

and empathy


Those are all parts of it

But it’s also about honesty

It’s about work

It’s about not giving up


It’s about not giving up-

just by not making the decision to not give up


Anytime I’m not making the choice

to keep getting better


To take the punches


absorb their power

and start running faster


not away.

but toward.

Anytime I’m not making the decision to do that,

I am giving up



And it requires a lot of energy

Constant effort

and I slip

all the time


But this is the kind of thing

that gives me the kind of strength

to have dropped heroin

to have dropped crystal meth

Well- not heroin

so crystal meth

Because heroin was before my ‘happiness switch’ flipped, if you want to call it that


I hate the word happiness

because this is something so much more.


And again – I never would have dreamt of it, before I started experiencing it

And, I think, probably- you will not have either.

I’m not sure anyone else

has really been to where I am now


I’m not sure

I won’t know, until someone actually reads enough-

If I write enough

for someone to understand the whole

and then, to say

“No, you’re wrong.’


Then, I’ll know.

But until then

I’m not sure anyone else has ever been here.

I think this is a new frontier

and that’s crazy to say


I think that

things are possible


There are possibilities

for being human


that we never dreamt of


and you know how that makes me feel?





I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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