So, you’ve read a couple of my posts.
Watched a couple of my YouTube videos, maybe?
Maybe even lurked around my discord server some.
You think you know me.
You think you know what I am saying.
I have something to say.
I’m working on transcribing some of it to the blog, and I’ve been writing new things on the blog
but nothing I say
nothing I write
nothing I’ve filmed
nothing I do
is meant to stand alone.
Everything that I put out
are all different attempts to explain the same thing
to say the same- communicate – the same thing
just…trying different angles.
Being nice –
Does not mean
So, please- don’t go and just read – watch –
that you think you’re going to like.
The things- that are easy.
The things about love
Those are nice to hear
and I meant every word
But they are not the whole picture.
Read The Search
you know, some of my other posts, that I haven’t transcribed yet
But some of what I have to say
Is not going to be easy to hear.
The path that I am trying to find
that I am choosing to walk, even as I look for it
Is not an easy one.
It means taking a hard look at myself
Accepting some hard truths, about myself
And if you really want to know me
If you really want to know
what I am saying
It might mean accepting some hard truths about yourself, as well.
I mean, maybe I’m wrong-
but you won’t know
until you read it
all of us
and that one statement
encompasses so much
All of the heartbreak
and the joy
and weight of our mistakes
all of them
reflecting throughout our pasts
and that is a heavy, heavy burden
and not one easy to bear
But I believe that there is a way
to look those kinds of things in the face
and grow from them
Without letting them turn into the kind of guilt-turned-inward
that causes more problems, than it solves
creates more work for us, down the line
in the form of having to undo
harmful and destructive thought patterns
And so, yeah
I want to be a rock.
But I want to be the kind of rock
that helps you build your own foundation.
That helps you become your own rock.
I’m not going to be your rock forever!
I don’t want to be, and you don’t want me to be!
Happiness with no foundation, is no real happiness.
It’s not sustainable.
There is a system
to what I do
a system to what I’m writing
a system behind what I’m writing
There is one thing that I’m trying to say
and until that one thing becomes clear
I haven’t said enough
or you haven’t read enough
is a difficult one
it’s challenging, full of obstacles
and you will feel like you are making no progress…
Until you realize you are.
Until you start seeing the evidence, in your own life.
And I believe that what I have to say
will produce results in your life
Because it’s not about what I do that makes me happy
It’s about the methods that I use to find what really makes me happy
I’m 33 years old, living at my parents house, almost broke-
and I’ve never been this happy in my life.
And it’s not because I’m tricking myself; I know a lot of you think that.
is too clever for that.
I can’t just pretend everything is fine
I can’t keep running away
I ran away my whole life
and I’m not doing that, anymore.
I am looking in the face of my fears
and of my mistakes
and I’m not letting them define me, anymore.
And I believe
that the things that I am doing
to be able to do that
are applicable to other people.
this is out of love
this is out of empathy
It’s just that in order to get the kind of reward
to get the kind of meaning, out of life
that I am starting to be able to find, more and more easily
It takes a little work
it takes a little patience.
And I can’t just give it to you.
You have to seek it.
You have to do it, yourself
In your own life
In your own way
Because the things that I do to make me happy
are not going to make you happy
Not everything I write, is going to speak to you.
I realize that.
But I’m working on trying to distill
distill the process behind things
in a way that other people can use
even who are very different from me
I’m trying to give-
Trying to be consistent
in how I treat everyone, including myself
and trying to give everyone
not just what we want
but what we
And it is out
Because I cannot express to you
I mean, I never thought it was possible
to feel the way I feel
in life, now
To have the kind of strength that I have now
The kind of ability
to be the master of my own emotional swings
You know – that doesn’t mean I don’t get upset
It means that I have a system
I am aware now
of what makes me upset, geenerally
and what I can do to turn those feelings
into something else
to channel them
that are going to be different for each person
But in ways
that make me stronger
That allow me to grow
instead of collapse under the weight
of all that doubt
of all that anger
I can make it go away, now
It’s a constant process
and then finding
and then searching, again
But each time I do that
I get a little bit better at it.
And the results in my life
have been tangible
the results in my relationships
in every moment
They are visible
to the people around me.
I have something to say.
And it is something real
and it’s not all just about
Those are all parts of it
But it’s also about honesty
It’s about work
It’s about not giving up
It’s about not giving up-
just by not making the decision to not give up
Anytime I’m not making the choice
to keep getting better
To take the punches
absorb their power
and start running faster
Anytime I’m not making the decision to do that,
I am giving up
And it requires a lot of energy
and I slip
all the time
But this is the kind of thing
that gives me the kind of strength
to have dropped heroin
to have dropped crystal meth
Well- not heroin
so crystal meth
Because heroin was before my ‘happiness switch’ flipped, if you want to call it that
I hate the word happiness
because this is something so much more.
And again – I never would have dreamt of it, before I started experiencing it
And, I think, probably- you will not have either.
I’m not sure anyone else
has really been to where I am now
I’m not sure
I won’t know, until someone actually reads enough-
If I write enough
for someone to understand the whole
and then, to say
“No, you’re wrong.’
Then, I’ll know.
But until then
I’m not sure anyone else has ever been here.
I think this is a new frontier
and that’s crazy to say
I think that
things are possible
There are possibilities
for being human
that we never dreamt of
and you know how that makes me feel?