having fun, forever

When I got back to Redding mid-January (which was when I reconnected with my family) I began immediately telling people that my plan was to never work again, but to instead have fun forever, while simultaneously being productive!
Having fun forever does not have to be an act of immaturity.
I have the most fun, it turns out, when I live on the edge. Such tight-rope walking requires control.
Living on the edge, for me, used to be an act of recklessness. I was never a big drinker, because I did things drink that I would never do sober, and I hated that feeling.
Now that I’ve started to develop a clearer idea within myself of what I’m okay with doing, never okay with doing, absolutely love doing- and all under particular circumstances… I get that same feeling of revulsion from the thought of doing drugs as I once only had at the idea of getting drunk. At the moment, anyway.
But if I can push myself, push the limits of what I’m capable of… little bits at a time…
Get a little bit better at communicating with my cats, in ways that make them happier and healthier, in ways that show in their behavior…
get a little bit better at being honest with myself.
Better at having fun with my parents, more often.
Better at having fun with my friends, online or off – instead of alienating them or stressing them out….
if I can get better at navigating my own emotional landscape, at knowing what kind of music or activities will help me get from where I am to where I want to be, while finding ways to make working fun enough that it doesn’t feel like working anymore… 
Life is become an endlessly, infinitely complex dance-wherein missteps and phenomenal acrobatics alike are intensely punished or greatly rewarded.
And I’m making up the moves as I go along! The stakes are the highest possible, and I’m all in.
Every fucking hand. Holy shit, guys- talk about a rush..! I’m still having the time of my life. And I will get you guys into this party too… or I will die trying.
wiggles eyebrows seductively. ends up looking silly.

May 22, 2020
ah! Here’s a thing. If I am not responsible- my ability to have fun, forever –
is reduced.
If I can not balance working with fun, if I can’t be self-reliant: people, like my parents – have reason to say things that are Not Fun to me.
If, however, I can tweak my TBF (tricksy brain factor) knob in such a way as to manage to be financially self-sufficient, while having fun, my parents and I both have more fun!
On the other hand, if I do not communicate responsibly about what I’m doing and why- I run the risk of people attributing incorrect motivating factors behind my behavior (choosing to take the time to make sure my head is screwed on straight, before I work, for example) can easily be misinterpreted as an unwillingness to work at all – laziness; if I am not direct and open in my communications as to the process behind my decision making!


I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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