finding the words

Each channel in my server, each post published here-
Are steps in a dance
I’m dancing along a spectrum, along a spiral
Lose my footing
Lose my balance, for a time
I feel like I get a little bit closer to the center of the spiral
To what is, right now, for me
Whenever Right Now is

I will always be trying to Find the Words 

That this is a thing which is never found
Is a new chance
A new opportunity
To learn
To get better at being Brooke
At being happy
And compassionate
And finding the empathy I have within myself
For myself, and for the world
For the universe.
It is a big thing
In my head
And in my heart
Not something simple
But it is unified, in a way
Which makes it both simple and infinitely complex
It is both, when it is either
Even the spiral analogy
Is inaccurate
Because that implies a distance from the arms, when at the center
But the center, of this thing in my head, in my soul- is a place that embraces, that encompasses the arms, from a point of stability
Positivity, happiness, even being nice
Are all things I’ve had to pretty radically rethink, in my own life
I’ve tried being nice
Multiple times throughout my life
And, each time before, either discarded it as a rule, or added those mental ‘buts’ to the concept that I talked about in the context of smoking, in [guide-to-sobriety]
Those ‘buts’
Are what my brain does
When it thinks it has found exceptions to rules

Rules I myself have made

But exceptions means they are not rules, in my mind
Either in thought
Or in practice
And, in that case
Either the rule needs to be changed
Or new ones need to be added
Some of my closest friends, when I was on the street
Some of my ‘street children;’ some of my Best Friends, then as now
Were frequently hungry
Had no cigarettes
And I wanted so much to be ‘nice’
That, at first, I just….fed them
Gave them the few snipes (half cigarettes, or cigarette butts, picked up off the ground) or the little money I had
But, over and over again
This way of treating people blew up in my face
Because it was trying to fix their mistakes for them
It was giving them fish
It was not thinking of the whys behind the whats
Eventually, I realized (one of) my mistake(s)
And I began trying to teach them how to fish
I was still using drugs, then
Still too unstable within my own life
To be consistent, for them and for myself
In a way that was most efficient – for them, and for myself
But now?
Now, I still strive to be nice
In a way that is, perhaps, more likely to achieve the goal behind being nice
And sometimes erring, but not taking that to mean ‘failing’
To give people, myself included
What is needed
Instead of what is wanted, only
Sometimes what is wanted is what is needed
But not always
And frequently, for me
There is just no way to tell the difference

Without experimentation

Without communication, in the way I’ve been talking about that concept here
Without forever attempting to grow awareness of my own Tricksy Brain Factor
And that of those around me
To adjust for the People Factor
By learning about it
In a way that does not infer judgment
Because it is what it is

And what it is

Is magic
Is wonder
No more life sentences
As sentences.


I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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