another story about trash, or; the resources know not from whence they come

I am unsure of the utility in writing about this, right now
Pico needs to go back to the vet
That was part of the motivation I had yesterday to get some cleaning done
Because I did not know yet whether I was going to take in just Pico, or both Pico and Sisi
I told her that yesterday, I could hear some fluid in Sisi’s lungs, sometimes
That it seemed better today
But I wasn’t sure, and was going to check more carefully when I got back home
Because she is a Kitten
And tomorrow, the walk in clinic is closed
I did not say the last bit
Nor that the fact of her being a kitten is relevant here, in my mind, because it means her immune system is not as well developed as it will be when she is a Cat
My mom told me
That I was not to take in both
It is her money
So I cannot argue with this
But what I can do
Is think
And write
So, when we pulled up to the trail
I told them I was going to walk alone,
But that I had my phone
And that they can call me when they are done
My mom asked if I was upset
She asked if I was upset about the money
Which, I think, gives me a path towards a solution, here
I told her that I was a little bit upset
But that I would be better
After I walked
And listened to music
And had a cigarette
So, those are the things that I am doing, right now
As I think
And what I am thinking, right now
Is that it may help
For me to explain to her, once we’re back in the car
That this is not about The Money
To see if I can find a way
To share what I am feeling, right now
And why
In a way that does not make it about her and what she has done wrong
To try to tell her why I felt Upset
And, even if she does not change her mind about Sisi
(Who may not even need to go to the vet today)
I will Feel Better
I already do
Because now, I have a Plan
And if it does not work, if I do not Find the Words
When I talk to her
I will have done my best
Am doing my best, right now
And that is all I can do
And I have faith
In myself
In Future Brooke either Finding those Words
Or learning a little bit more
About how to do so in even later situations
If she does not, this time
As I walked aimlessly around the grassy field in front of the civic auditorium, here in Redding
And wrote, here in this server
I noticed a lot of trash
And now-
I am picking it all up
And now
I am no longer trying to be Not Sad
I am feeling happy, once again
I am singing as I do this werk
This werk that is making my internal and external worlds
Each a slightly better place in which to exist
I even found a bottle of hand sanitizer! It is almost full!
So I can keep my hands clean
And then leave it next to the trash cans
In case someone else has the same idea I did, in the future
And if not, it will be an easy thing for someone emptying those trash cans
To grab that one thing
And put it in the cans
Since I have already picked up all the other trash that was sitting on the ground outside the trash cans
I ran out of trash
My parents are not done yet
And it felt good to pick it up
So I crossed the street, to the adjacent field of grass
And with every piece of trash that I picked up
Every song I sang
Every step I took
I felt better
And more resilient
And this is will make it more likely that I will Find the Words
When I talk to my mother
And less likely that I will crumble under defeat
If I Do Not
I feel like this ties into the TED talk Dan Gilbert gave
On why we make bad decisions
Just like the money we save in buying a car stereo doesn’t know whether it came from that, or from buying a car
If I take money a step further
Will add to my emotional reserves savings account
Will increase my resiliency, and therefore my efficacy, when I talk to my mom later
Even though they are superficially unrelated
The resources know not from whence they came
They are, simply, resources
And, simply, have value


And now
I am not just smiling, and singing


I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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