a footnote on the seeking perspective post

I’ve been thinking about that last post, on the TBF loop I was stuck in


Yesterday, I woke up at 5:30

No alarm

Just awake

and if not high energy, then at least motivated to get myself there

Today, I woke up, groggy, at 7:30!


And it occured to me

That, perhaps

One of the differences is that I ate a pretty big dinner the night before last


And mostly only had snacks last night


This kind of experiment

I’m not sure it can ever be proven, fully

one way or another


My guesses, my hypotheses about Self

can only increase or decrease in likely accuracy

based off of repeated observations

repeated guesses


But, I have trained my internal team of scientists

To be as rigorous as possible

Even given these limitations

Maybe, even, because of them

in response to them


And, I suspect

that the lack of easy, permanent answers to things

Actually might have a hidden value


A hidden value, that is vast

And worth the minor cost of uncertainty


Because it keeps me on my feet

When I am paying enough attention to whether or not I’m even standing, in the first place, that is!


This morning, I made myself eat some oatmeal, first thing

and it occured to me

that, just like the effects of neuroplasticity can be harnessed in whatever manner – 

just like the runaway feedback effect of chronic pain

can be switched

to a runaway feedback effect of chronic happiness

if we can begin to develop a high enough level of understanding and mastery of our own minds


Perhaps making myself eat when I feel hungry

even if nothing here sounds good

May give me more energy

and may cause me to be, ultimately, more productive

which may get my metabolism going to a degree

that will make me want to eat when I am hungry, more often

that will cause even the foods I have here, to be more appealing in my mind

which, after I eat them

will give me more energy

Energy, of the kind I get from consuming food

as well as energy of the kind that comes from making the work of being Brooke

into werk

Those kind of resources

are priceless


So, time will tell as to the ultimate accuracy, here


But I am trying


and that is something.



may be



My confidence in having successfully identified one of the bugs in my internal code, 

creating such myriad problems in my system as a whole


is beginning to grow


because that bowl of oatmeal

turned out to be pre-breakfast

I just had a first breakfast

and then finished what my parents did not eat

and I’m still hungry


So this time

I will listen

to what my stomach is trying to communicate

and not just to what it’s saying



And, now

I have come up with a Plan


Plans are kind of like Rules, which are kind of like rough Laws- but Plans are like the beta testing stage of Rules


Starting as of half an hour ago, which is when I first had the idea and put it into action-


If I have the urge to nap

I will follow that up with a ‘hunger check’

And, if it returns with a positive result


I shall eat

And then nap


Or rest, or whatever


We’ll see if it sticks


But, even after everything I’ve written here since last night- I still might have ignored the fact that I was hungry, and laid down, just now


If I had not made the decision to try to turn this into a system

And so, I just ate, when I didn’t really want to


and it was fucking delicious!


Holy cow


I love the complexity of being able to surprise myself with my own self, despite not really wanting to


If that makes any sense at all!!

Oh, no


I am still hungry

God damn it




I spent three years living on the street in Los Angeles. I came out of that, changed. This is my story.

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